Learning Difficulties and Self-Esteem How Can I Help My Child?

Eye-level view of a child drawing colourful shapes on paper

When a child is finding learning difficult, parents are often worried about much more than reading, spelling or maths.

They worry about confidence.

Perhaps your child has started saying things like:

“I’m stupid.”“Everyone else is better than me.”“I’m just bad at maths.”“I can’t do it.”

Or perhaps they avoid homework, become upset when asked to read, compare themselves with classmates, or give up before they have really started.

These can be difficult things to hear as a parent. And when a child repeatedly experiences something as harder than the people around them seem to, it is understandable that this can begin to affect the way they see themselves.

There is good reason to take this seriously. The British Dyslexia Association's 2025 research into young people's experiences found that seven in ten of the young people surveyed said dyslexia had made them feel bad about themselves. British Dyslexia Association

So what can we do to help?

1. Help them separate difficulty from ability

One of the most important messages we can give a child is:

Finding something difficult does not mean you aren't clever.

A child who reads slowly may have excellent verbal reasoning. A child who struggles to remember number facts may be a strong mathematical thinker.

Someone who finds spelling extremely difficult may have wonderful ideas and vocabulary.

Try to be specific when you talk about difficulties.

Instead of:

“You're not very good at spelling.”

try:

“Remembering the spelling of words is harder for you, so we're going to find strategies that help.”

That small shift matters. The difficulty becomes something they experience, rather than something that defines them.

2. Notice strengths... but make them real

   
   

“Don't worry, you're brilliant at other things” is well meant, but children don't always believe broad reassurance.

Look for specific evidence instead.

Perhaps your child is particularly good at explaining ideas aloud, solving practical problems, spotting patterns, drawing, remembering information they are interested in, making people laugh, performing, building things or caring for other people.

Talk about these things as genuine strengths.

And remember that strengths don't have to be academic. The NHS specifically recommends helping children with dyslexia find activities they enjoy as one way of supporting confidence and self-esteem. nhs.uk

3. Be careful with comparisons

Children are very good at noticing who finishes first.

They know who has moved onto the next page while they are still writing. They notice who knows their times tables instantly and who gets picked to read aloud.

At home, try to shift the comparison from other people to their own progress:

“That took you much less help than last week.”

“You remembered the strategy by yourself this time.”

“You found that really difficult, but you didn't give up.”

This isn't empty praise. It draws their attention to progress, strategies and persistence rather than where they sit in relation to somebody else.

4. Help your child understand how they learn

   
   

This is something I feel particularly strongly about.

Children can make their own explanations for difficulties when nobody has given them a better one.

A child who repeatedly forgets instructions might decide, “I'm useless.” A child who needs longer to retrieve information might think, “I'm slow.” A child who can't recall multiplication facts as quickly as their classmates might conclude, “I'm bad at maths.”

Helping children develop a more accurate understanding of themselves as learners can be powerful.

The Education Endowment Foundation describes this awareness of ourselves as learners, including our strengths, weaknesses and the strategies that help us, as part of metacognition. There is a substantial evidence base for explicitly helping pupils develop this knowledge and learn strategies for planning, monitoring and evaluating their learning. EEF

You can encourage this at home with questions such as:

• What made that easier?

• What usually helps you remember?

• Would it help to see it written down?

• Shall we break it into smaller steps?

• Which part was difficult?

• What could you try differently next time?

The aim isn't for a child to think “everything is easy for me.”

It's for them to begin thinking: “I know myself as a learner, and I know what helps.”

5. Don't let homework become the measure of your relationship

If homework regularly ends in tears or arguments, it can start taking up far too much emotional space.

Sometimes the most useful thing a parent can do is recognise when enough is enough.

A child who has spent the whole school day working hard to compensate for an area of difficulty may have very little left by 6pm.

That doesn't mean expectations disappear. But it may mean breaking work into shorter chunks, offering a movement break, helping with reading instructions, using technology where appropriate, or talking to school when the level of support required at home has become excessive.

6. Make sure they have places where they feel successful to foster self-esteem

Children need opportunities to experience competence.

That might come from sport, music, drama, art, Lego, cooking, gaming, looking after an animal, dance, Scouts or Guides, it doesn't particularly matter what it is.

What matters is that their identity doesn't become:

“I'm the child who struggles at school.”

They need other experiences that remind them, “There are things I'm good at. There are things I enjoy. I have something to contribute.”

7. Why this is such an important part of assessment for me

Before becoming a Specialist Teacher Assessor, I spent more than 20 years working in education.

As a classroom teacher, one of the parts of the job I cared about most was building young people up, particularly those who had begun to doubt their own ability.

But classrooms are busy places. However much you want to sit beside one child and really understand what is happening for them, there is another child who needs you, another lesson starting, another thirty books to mark.

Assessment gives me something I rarely had enough of then:

time.

Time to work with one young person. Time to notice how they approach something. Time to talk about what they find difficult. And, just as importantly, time to notice what they do well.

That has become a huge part of my assessment process.

Of course, assessment is about gathering evidence and, where appropriate, identifying dyslexia, dyscalculia or another Specific Learning Difficulty.

But I don't want a young person to leave an assessment simply knowing what they find difficult.

I want them to have begun to understand why some things are harder, what their strengths are, and what can help.

A diagnostic label can be valuable. But sometimes one of the most important outcomes of an assessment is a child beginning to replace:

“I'm not clever.”

with:

“This is harder for me — and now I understand why.”

You can read more about the diagnostic assessments for dyslexia and dyscalculia that I provide here.